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Stage 1: Motivation to Change

What is your goal? 


Before you change what you're doing, think about why you're doing it. 


If your goal is to avoid conflict, you may be using the DISENGAGE response to conflict.  This is immediate and effective.  However, it means doing things alone, and your relationship may feel "empty."

If your goal is to avoid a conflict but also to stay in a relationship with someone, you may be using the LOSE-WIN response to conflict: suppressing what you want to make the other person happy.  This too is an immediate and effective.  However, in the long run this could have negative effects on your own well-being (suppressing yourself is like squishing a water balloon -- eventually it will burst) or the other person will suffer by not benefitting from everything you have to offer).  

If your goal is to get others to do what you want you may be using the WIN-LOSE response to conflict.  The Decision Triangle method is based on the belief that healthy relationships are not based on the domination, manipulation, or coercion of others.

If your goal is to both get what you want and to have a healthy relationship, try The Decision Triangle Solutions   method.  Keep in mind, this approach may feel risky and frustrating.  It can take time, and you have to make yourself vulnerable.  Stick with it.  Resolving differences will deepen your relationship with one another, and both of you may find a better solution to difficulties that either one of you could have done on your own. 

Go to Stage 2


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